I AM not going to lie to you. I am struggling with writer's block. I have started potentially six different articles and saved them all as drafts because they weren't very good and I don't want you to have to read "not very good" stuff. I have been going through writer's block for a while now (which is why I apologise for the last article – I heard it was too draggy and boring – I'm sorry!)
When I have writer's block, I do the first thing any normal person does – scroll through Instagram (what would we do without this app?)
I was minding my own business and just scrolling through my feed when Instagram did a very rude thing – it suggested I follow my ex-crush whom I had adored with every fibre of my being in secondary school.
How dare Instagram even bring him up? Doesn't Instagram know I'm married (is this considered cheating on my husband?! #omgIhopemyhusbanddoesnotreadthisarticle). Why would Instagram suggest such a stupid thing?
Oh well, since Instagram suggested it, it wouldn't hurt to take a little peek. I mean, it would be rude if I didn't.
Darn it, he's private.
BACK TO SECONDARY SCHOOL
I was instantly 15 again and carefully navigating the school halls trying to "accidentally" bump into this boy who made my world turn (at that time! Now I am married to the REAL love of my life #omgIreallyhope-Ashrafdoesnotreadthis).
"Bumping" into this old flame made me think about two things - first, about how truly infatuated I had been with him. I mean, this guy could do no wrong; his eyes twinkled in the sun, his laugh made me weak at the knees and he was so "perfect". I spent much of my teenage years obsessing about him but, to be honest, we barely knew each other.
Yes, we spoke on the phone sometimes, and there may have been some cute love letters (#sayangIpromiseIdonothavethemanymore #promise #Amalgotridofthemforme) and he would give me bars of candy, but that was the extent of our relationship. Seeing him on Instagram made me wonder if he was still the same guy or if he (like me) had grown up and become a different person.
Would I recognise him if we bumped into each other at the mall, or would we just pass by as if the other didn't exist and as if our parents hadn't spent a small fortune paying our phone bills (yes, it happened, I got into trouble #sacrificesforlove)?
Would that little "heartbeat skip" still be there if I did recognise him, or would my heart beat at its regular pace? Which then led me to my second thought – what a waste of time! I know there are couples out there who fell in love in secondary school and did end up marrying each other, which is incredibly sweet, but how much do you really know about love or being in a relationship when you are 14 or 15?
To be honest, I knew nothing. I thought I was "in love" but in reality I was just looking for a distraction from school, and because all my girlfriends had boys who liked them. No one young enough to still be learning Add Math should be distracting themselves with someone who will most likely not be the person they end up with. I know I sound like a total oldie right now, but I just want you to save your heart.
Save your heart for the guy who does eventually teach you what it's like to love and be loved (that includes a lot of arguments about whose turn it is to do the dishes and where the car keys are, but he will make you feel safe and tell you you are beautiful even when you're not), and not the guy sitting across the classroom laughing with his friends about some stupid thing that happened at the futsal court last night.
I get lots of messages from young girls who ask me for my opinion about their broken hearts and what they should do about this boy who is stringing them along, or simply about love.
Let me tell you this – love isn't easy and it's not going to happen to you when you're in secondary school. Even you are NOT the person you truly are yet, you're still growing and things will come when they are meant to. If I was still the same person I was when I was 16, you probably wouldn't like me very much. Heck, I wouldn't like me very much!
But people grow, evolve and eventually you will have enough life experiences to know when and who is meant for you.
I wish nothing but wonderful things for this guy because I know he is a good and kind person, but it makes me feel silly when I think about the stupid things I did "for love" at 14. Perhaps if I did bump into him in real life, I would be more embarrassed than anything!
For all the beautiful, young, curious girls out there, who (very much like me when I was in school) are looking for someone to "love" – love your mum, dad, siblings, and friends, but mostly yourself. If you "need" to have someone in your life – share more with your mum, spend time with your dad, be there unconditionally for your friends, and allow your siblings to play a bigger part in your life.
You don't need someone to complete your life. You already have so much going on and believe me when I promise that he will arrive at the right time – he just won't during Add Math class.
Journalism graduate Iman Azman continues to navigate her way through the creative industry as a member of The dUCk Group's marketing team. Here, she muses about her work, finding balance in life and shares what it's like diving in headfirst into new experiences and opportunities. Follow her journey on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/iman_azman/